


there's something wretched about this

by perfectlyrose



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Angst, M/M, Pre-Relationship, Season/Series 01
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-11
Updated: 2018-12-11
Packaged: 2019-09-16 01:21:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,586
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16944324
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/perfectlyrose/pseuds/perfectlyrose
Summary: The need to know is an itch under Shiro’s skin. He’s trying to accept that his memory has gaping holes in it now and he feels like he’s doing surprisingly well at that. The information he needs now isn’t something he’s forgotten though; it’s something he never knew to start with.Or: Shiro tries to discover the sequence of events leading up to Keith's departure from the Garrison and ends up opening a much larger can of emotional worms than he anticipated.





	there's something wretched about this

**Author's Note:**

> the working title for this was "big ol' can of worms" so take from that what you will
> 
> thanks, as ever, to sequencefairy for listening to me moan about this ♥

The need to know is an itch under Shiro’s skin. He’s trying to accept that his memory has gaping holes in it now and he feels like he’s doing surprisingly well at that. The information he needs now isn’t something he’s forgotten though; it’s something he never knew to start with.

He’s pieced together scraps of information but the picture is still less than clear.

What he knows is this:

Sometime between the Kerberos launch and Shiro crash landing back on Earth, Keith left the Garrison.

Lance has called him a dropout more than once. Keith mentioned getting booted.

The shack he had awoken in looked lived in, was littered with the traces of Keith’s existence.

Keith is closed off in ways that Shiro doesn’t recognize.

Shiro needs to know what happened in the year and some-odd months he was in space. He tries to ask Keith, wanting to hear it straight from him. Keith’s face goes stone-still and he awkwardly shifts the conversation to something else.

Shiro’s heart does a funny twist as he considers the possibility that Keith doesn’t trust him enough to share anymore.

He wants to say that he’s shocked about Keith parting ways with the Garrison but it would be a lie. Keith had always been about two moves away from getting expelled or storming out at any given moment. Keith was there to fly and his willingness to bend to the strict discipline of the military bureaucracy was miniscule on good days. He did exactly what it took to get in the sims, in the air, and no more.

But Shiro needs to know _what happened._

Keith won’t talk to him about it, so he seeks out Lance.

He finds the Blue Paladin wandering the hallways, clearly undecided on how to spend their few free hours. “Lance! Just who I was looking for,” he says, putting on a cheerful front.

“Oh, hey, Shiro,” Lance replies. “What’s up?”

“Was hoping you could help me with something. Got a minute to talk?”

“Nothing but time,” Lance answers with an expansive hand gesture.

“Just wanted to ask a few questions,” Shiro explains as he leads them to the lounge. It’s empty and he takes a seat on one of the couches. Lance sits opposite him.

“Whaddya need to know? I am always up to date with the latest gossip, even with the limited sources on this old ship.” A smirk spreads across his face as he leans back, resting his hands behind his head and an ankle on his knee. “Hit me with your best shot.”

“I was hoping you could tell me some of what happened at the Garrison after…” he pulls in a breath, “after I left.”

Lance’s eyebrows go up. He scrutinizes Shiro. “You want to know what led up to Keith living in a shack in the desert.”

Shiro shrugs and doesn’t deny it. “Might be a bit curious.”

“Well, as the guy who took his spot when he finally flamed out, I can provide a pretty accurate account,” he boasts.

Shiro gestures for him to go ahead.

“Right after the Kerberos mission left, Keith was like… weirdly quiet. I mean, he was always kind of quiet except when he was getting in trouble, but it was different. He kept his head down, you know? Stayed out of trouble for once.”

Shiro wonders if that was because he was no longer there to help smooth things over, wonders if Keith was trying a little harder to toe the line so he’d still be there when Shiro returned.

That isn’t fair to his friend, though. He always joked with Keith about him being a troublemaker but it wasn’t true, not really. Keith never made the trouble or even sought it out, it just seemed to dog his footsteps. His sharp edges caught against the rigid fabric of the Garrison and tore through it instead of dulling down.

If Keith had been trying to fall in line though, what had caused his flight to the desert?

“Once news of mission failure hit, shit kinda hit the fan,” Lance continues, waving a hand. “Mullet disappeared for like two whole days. Even missed a sim flight which was super weird for him. Heard he got into a shouting match with Iverson when he showed back up. Rumor had it that he was screaming about how it couldn’t have been pilot error and that the Garrison was covering something up.” Lance sits up straight. “Hey, he was actually right!”

Shiro’s focus narrows onto two words. “Pilot error?” he croaks out, voice unsteady.

Lance takes one look at Shiro’s face and blanches, pulling back. Shiro doesn’t want to know what expression he’s wearing to cause that reaction.

“Um yeah,” he stutters out. “The Garrison announced pilot error as the reason for mission failure.”

Shiro feels helpless anger licking at his bones. After years of being their poster child, the Garrison dismissed him with the two cruelest words they could pick. _Pilot error_ . Like he hadn’t worked harder than anyone else to be able to graduate early, to be selected as the pilot for the Kerberos mission. Like he hadn’t fought tooth and nail to keep his spot, like he hadn’t given up _everything_ to fly the mission and fly it absolutely perfectly.

They erased his entire body of work, his every professional achievement, with two words.

“Makes sense, I guess,” he says aloud. And it does. The most common reasons for mission failure lie with the pilot, but not with Shiro, not this time. His fists clench and he wonders if they publicly blamed his illness too.

He doesn’t ask.

“Yeah, so, that was pretty much the only thing everyone was talking about,” Lance hurries to continue. “And you could just kinda see Keith starting to lose it, you know? Pretty sure there was a betting pool as to when he would finally snap. Could see it coming from a mile away.”

“What happened?” Shiro is impressed that his voice is even. The anger is still simmering in his veins, but dread is starting to build in his chest, heavy and unwelcome.

Lance shrugs. “He snapped. There’s at least a dozen different stories about what happened. The one where he punched out Iverson and took off on a hoverbike is the most popular. It was something like two weeks after mission failure, I think. All anyone knew for sure was that Keith literally disappeared within the span of an hour. People saw him in the mess and then his dorm was clear of personal effects like… forty-five minutes later. No one saw him again until the three of us ran into him while rescuing you.”

Cold snakes down Shiro’s spine. He isn’t surprised that Keith left the Garrison, but he never expected to learn that he is the reason behind the departure.

“Was he expelled or did he run?” He has to know. That’s what got him into the mess of too much and not enough information in the first place.

Lance swallows hard. “Pretty sure he was expelled but no one could ever actually confirm it.” He fidgets for a moment and then forges ahead. “Hey, Shiro? Why are you asking me about this instead of Keith? He actually knows what happened since he, you know, lived it.”

“He refused to talk about it,” Shiro admits.

“Okay,” Lance drawls. “Do me a favor and don’t tell him that I’m the one who spilled the beans, yeah? I would prefer to keep all of my teeth intact.”

Shiro raises an eyebrow. “He wouldn’t punch you out, Lance.”

Lance scoffs as he gets to his feet. “Maybe you don’t know him as well as you think.”

He leaves the room, unaware that he just sent Shiro reeling.

He’s been so focused on how he himself has changed that he’s failed to really consider how much his friend must have changed too.

Shiro’s skin prickles with guilt.

He takes a deep breath and tries to sort through everything he’s learned in the past few minutes.

The revelation of pilot error is something he needs to set aside for later, he decides. Keith needs to be his focus. Lance at least gave him enough information to start with regarding Keith’s departure from the Garrison, even if it is full of holes and guesses.

Shiro drags a hand over his face. He really needs to talk to Keith. Putting it off even longer isn’t going to help matters, he thinks. He’s already let Keith avoid the conversation several times. They need to talk about it so they can move forward. Keith needs to talk about it, Shiro thinks, instead of bottling it all up like is his wont.

He stands and heads towards the training deck, knowing that Keith is likely there. Now is as good a time as any to have this conversation.

Shiro watches from the doorway as Keith fights the gladiator on a level higher than he’s seen anyone else try thus far. He moves with single-minded ferocity and sharp-edged grace. Keith in a fight is something Shiro’s never been able to look away from.

He never saw Keith training with blades of any sort back at the Garrison but his bayard seems like a natural extension of his arm. It’s mesmerizing.

Keith’s bayard slices into the side of the gladiator and it powers down, signalling victory for the Red Paladin.

“End training sequence,” Keith says, voice quiet in the large room. His bayard flashes, returning to its base form.

“Impressive,” Shiro says.

Keith whips around. His hair is plastered to his forehead and he looks about ready to drop. “Oh. Hey, Shiro.”

“Have a minute? I’ve been meaning to talk to you about some stuff.”

His face closes off, hiding all the emotion Shiro used to be able to read so easily. “Can it wait? I need to hit the showers.”

“I don’t know when we’ll have another free minute,” Shiro says. “Please?”

Keith sighs. “Fine.”

He walks over to where the water pouches are kept. Shiro follows.

“So, what’s this stuff you want to talk about?” Keith asks after draining half the pouch.

 _Now or never_ , Shiro thinks before opening his mouth. He vaguely regrets this conversation already and it’s barely started. “What happened after the Kerberos launch, Keith?”

Keith stiffens. “If you want the Garrison gossip, go talk to Lance or Hunk or someone. You know I didn’t keep up with that shit.”

“I want to know what happened with you,” Shiro presses. “How did you end up out in the desert on your own?”

“Drove a hoverbike there,” Keith shoots back.

Shiro frowns. “That’s not what I meant. You can’t keep bottling this all up. It’s not healthy.”

“That’s rich coming from you” he says with a snort. “You’re practically  the poster child for repressing emotions. Guess it’s a lesson you didn’t mean to teach me.”

Direct hit. “Keith,” he reaches out and rests a hand on his shoulder, “I worry, okay? You seem on edge and talking about all this might help.”

Keith’s face twists and he ducks out from under Shiro’s touch. “You think _talking_ will help?”

Shiro never wants to hear the humorless laugh that follow the words fall from Keith’s lips again.

He nods, hesitant. “I think it will, and I was hoping you still trust me enough to know that I will listen. So, talk to me.”

He knows issuing Keith a challenge used to be the best way to goad him into doing something. It’s almost a relief that the tactic still holds.

“What the fuck do you want to hear, Shiro?” Keith almost snarls. The words sound ripped out of his chest. “That after you left I had to learn how to be alone again and that it hurt worse than before because I actually knew the alternative? That I read every single tiny report and log that you and the Holts sent back to command? Or how about all the ways I self-destructed after they announced mission failure? Do you want a fucking _list_?” Keith is breathing hard, fire in his eyes.

Shiro has been shocked into stillness by Keith’s ferocity, by the pain dripping from every word.

“What good does any of this do you?” Keith’s voice cracks. “It’s in the past. Just… just leave it there.”

Shiro swallows hard. “I’m not sure that I can. I’m not sure that either of us can.”

“Well, I’m going to try,” Keith says. The strength underlying the words is brittle and cracking. “I thought you were _dead_ , Shiro. You were dead and all anyone could talk about was pilot error and how the Garrison made a mistake sending you up there.” He looks down at his feet. “People didn’t seem to care that you specifically, as a person, were gone and I couldn’t… I couldn’t...”

They erased his entire body of work, his every professional achievement, with two words.

Pilot error.

The same two words completely shattered Keith’s entire world.

“Keith…”

“Just leave it alone, Shiro. Please.” He’s shaking, little fine tremors wracking him. He looks like he’s barely holding it together.

Guilt swamps him, leaving Shiro cold and with a heavy ball of regret in his stomach. “Okay,” he whispers, nodding. “Okay.”

Keith presses his lips into a thin line like he’s holding back more words. He takes a deep breath, fists clenching. Shiro can only watch as he pushes all his roiling emotions back behind his walls, pulls them back under his skin.

“I’m just going to… I’m going to go get that shower.” He doesn’t wait for Shiro to answer, just turns and walks away.

Shiro sits down and buries his face in his hands, trying to parse through all the information again now that Keith has sent him spinning off kilter once more. He’s always had a knack for that.

What Shiro now knows is this:

Keith left the Garrison within two weeks of the announcement of the failure of the Kerberos mission.

Keith was likely expelled but the exact reason why is still unknown to him.

The general reason Keith left the Garrison and retreated to the desert was Shiro’s presumed death.

Keith lived in that desert shack, alone, for an entire year.

Keith is closed off in ways that Shiro doesn’t recognize, ways that were carved out by grief and loneliness.

He draws in a deep breath. The biggest thing he’s realized is that Keith has been altered by the past year almost as much as Shiro has. He is going to have to work to rebuild the friendship they once shared, to earn the right to see behind Keith’s walls again.

It is work he is more than willing to do. He never wants to be the cause of Keith’s pain like this again, never again wants to see the other man almost shaking apart at the seams due to lingering grief. He doesn’t think his heart could take it, not when it feels cracked open after this single conversation.

He’ll make sure that Keith knows that he never wants to make him hurt like this again. They might be fighting a war, but it’s one they’re fighting together and Shiro has no plans to disappear again.

Now he just needs to convince Keith of this. They can start healing together and maybe one day Shiro will get the rest of the answers he craves. They have plenty of time to get there, he thinks. Plenty of time.

**Author's Note:**

> find me on [tumblr](http://perfectlyrose.tumblr.com) and [twitter](http://twitter.com/LionessNapping)


End file.
